11 reasons why dating a blind guy is awesome
The bar was steamy and full of the scent of alcohol, perfume and sweat. I threw a smile her way and hoped to hell I wasn’t smiling at the wrong person.. Again.
I cleared my throat, it was time to escalate this situation, simply standing there, poised with a Scotch and looking dashing probably wasn’t going to close this deal. I touched her lightly on the forearm and leant in.
“You’re beautiful you know?”
She giggled and I heard the smile in her voice as she looked up at me and said:
“Oh Olz, that’s lovely. Thank you.…”
She paused. Angel Olz, my guardian in these situations and perpetually balanced on my left shoulder stirred. He’d smelled smoke, heard a bump in the night, felt the changing of the wind. In short, he new that something was amiss.
“Hang on a second, how do you know I’m beautiful? You can’t see me.”
I felt the conversational scree on which I was standing begin to shift. I took a swig of my drink, coughed as it went down the wrong way before plonking the glass back down on the slick bar.
“I can hear it in your voice?” I considered what I had just said and removed the question mark.
“I can hear it in your voice.” Yes, that sounded better. Far more self assured. Angel Olz punched the air and grinned. Two pompoms appeared in his hands as he went into a cheerleader routine.
“I don’t believe you.”
“You smell nice.” Angel Olz paused, pompoms spread and frowned.
“So you’re complimenting my perfume?”
I felt the rockslide still beneath my feet as I hit firmer ground.
“Yes, yes I am.” Angel Olz gave me a wide smile and a thumbs up.
“But then, you’re not complimenting me are you, just my perfume?”
I scrambled for something to say. It had been going so well, laughter, flirting, physical contact and with that thought, my big stupid mouth opened. Angel Olz leapt forward, pompoms extended to plug the widening hole… But, he was too late.
“I felt your side boob as you were guiding me?”
Angel Olz put his face in his hands and began to weep.
. There was a disturbance in the air, a waft of intoxicating perfume before the gin and tonic splashed into my face.
I sighed, sucked at my damp collar and thought, not for the first time:
“This dating lark is hard.”
It’s difficult for anyone to meet the right person, sighted or not. People will often avoid asking the questions which they should ask. In any relationship we look for common ground and sometimes, when it’s hard to find, we have to build the foundations ourselves. We need to get the big awkward questions out the way so we can move on, especially in the dating situations. Questions like:
“How much can you actually see?”
“Can you manage to use the toilet alone?”
“Do you need help with cutting up your food?”
“Would you like another scotch?”
I, self appointed ambassador for all Face Feelers. (Blind people), aim debunk these points of contention and, hopefully, in my own little way, make the world just that little bit better.
As an aside, a girl did actually make me feel her face at the weekend, she then felt mine even though she could see.
“Mummy, why are those two people rubbing each other’s faces?” Asks fictional child.
“Stop looking,” Replies the overweight and flustered mother. “They must be high.”
So, I’d like to take this opportunity to explain why dating a blind guy is actually pretty damn great.
In marketing they have a billion and sixty-three acronyms, that’s not an exaggeration, I counted them, one of which is USP, unique Selling Point. So, to all the girls out there that wonder what the benefits of dating a blind guy are, here goes:
1. Your looks
You’re just as beautiful first thing in the morning as you are when you are ready to go out: This is actually a chat-up line I’ve used a few times, all the better because it’s true. Sadly it can work both ways so some girlfriends will take advantage to go out looking like they’ve just woken up, bed breath and all… Gross.
2. Dinner dates
At dinner you can have half a jar of spaghetti on your face, parmesan in your hair and a courgette protruding from your bra and I really won’t care… That is, right up until you start attracting seagulls.
3. Other women
Not that I’m a polygamous man by nature, but I can’t have my head turned by another woman unless caught off guard by an errant handbag or any other similar violations of my personal space.
4. Power cuts
Think about it… In the dark I’m a demon in more ways than one ;)… Whilst your still fumbling around for a flashlight I’ve already opened a bottle of wine, whipped up a delicious midnight snack and popped on my Spongebob onesie before I return to take your hand and lead you through the dark. Hey, you do it for me.
5. I make you look good.
There is a certain cool factor to looking after others. In the past I have been treated like a fabulous accessory with women fighting over who gets to guide me. Plus, by helping out a blind guy you get some serious karmic credit which means you can totally push old people out the way at supermarket checkouts without feeling an ounce of guilt.
6. We can skip queues
It’s kinda funny that this happens as I’m pretty sure blind people can queue just as well as anyone else but, hey, I’ll take it and you should too though, with a warning. I have also been refused and consequently kicked out of nightclubs for arguing that I should only pay half price as I can’t see the shitty decor.
7. Your outfits
Don’t push this point. Eventually I will work out if you’re wearing, say, scuba gear or a clown costume.
8. Drunken stability
I can be used as a support if you are unsteady on your feet due to alcohol. The great thing is that it still looks like you’re helping me.
9. I’m entitled to a guide dog
Everyone loves dogs and, if you don’t, well, we’re probably not going to get on. Just remember, the date is with me, not the dog…
10. Your driving
Until you start swearing, swerving and slamming on the anchors, I will be none the wiser that you are a danger to hedges,, pedestrians and, more importantly, me.
11. Loving acts of kindness
Whilst sleeping, you can draw a penis on my forehead and I won’t know for days.
If you want to read further adventures of Olz, check out Invisible Shores – South America, a blind backpackers muddled memoirs.